How it REALLY is:

Some good friends of mine emailed a few weeks back and as I sat to write a family update this entire purging of feelings and emotions came out. In an effort to be honest and really document my life as it changes here, I thought I would paste it into a blog post for my future self to read and remember. Of course, since this is a blog, all the world gets to read it too. So if you are interested of how it REALLY is, (or at least was one month ago) then by all means, keep reading. If you want to put it all behind you and move on to the fun pictures and activities, then I suggest you stop now....

July 22, 2012

things are.... well, lets just say I am kind of falling apart. Well, I guess not as much as I used to be but I still feel a bit like I am being held together by thumbtacks and bubble gum. Its been touch and go here for awhile and today has been no different. The only thing that has been changing is the hard days are becoming more spread out as time passes. Which I am grateful for.  But honestly, I have no idea what I am doing most of the time. but at least i have stopped crying... 

First off, Singapore is really lovely, if you like living in a city, which I guess I am totally over because all the things that got annoying about being in NYC after 5 years (expensive prices, close living quarters, taxis, buses, subways, lots of people, schlepping kids, did I say expensive?) were all here and annoying from day ONE! As I was thinking about what I was going to write to you all, I kept getting more and more annoyed by it all. so really I can't think about it or talk about it or I start to lose my mind and get really whiney and pessimistic and its just not good for me, my health or my friendships.

However, my mom came into town today and is staying for the month. On the one hand its really great. She brought fabulous things from costco ; ) and Im glad she will get to be with my kids. The babies don't even know her. But on the other hand, she is so high energy and wants to do something new everyday, and I'm just too tired and lazy and burned out by city life to want to go and do those things. So basically I'm living in a foreign country with all this bounty around me and all I want to do is stay home, nap and watch movies. It's pathetic. (And I think maybe depression?) I hope my mom helps me embrace Singapore even more fully and I get to enjoy time out with her and the kids. Today was extra rough because I had a MAJOR allergy attack for basically the ENTIRE day. We were walking through Chinatown and I was sneezing every two minutes. And it kept going until well through dinner. My nose is running down my face and I want to gouge my eyes out. My entire body was itchy and hot and then of course the kids were crazy excited to have grandma here so they were jumping and punching and yelling and even now at 9 at night we are still fighting putting kids to bed and I was sneezing through it all until I finally left the scene and came to my room with the computer because I knew if i didn't get this email started, I might never get to it!

ok. enough of that ornery babble. let me tell you the things i love about singapore! the weather, while hot and sticky is also really lovely a lot of the time and we get to swim at the pool everyday. its like living in a resort! The kids are making so many friends because there are a lot of expats here and its easy for them to go down to the complex playground and see their friends every day. it is really nice and not something we would have enjoyed in NY. so for that I am grateful. Ronin is loving his school except for the early start of the day. 6am is killing all of us. but he gets to do a lot of things at school. they have art, choir, gymnastics, swimming and then the regular english and math. they are way ahead here which is a worry for me because its hard to see how we will manage to keep up. ronin is doing multiplication, division and now fractions! it seems so crazy to me. hopefully we will not fall behind. either that or we won't stay here long enough for it to matter? we will see. Ronin has been mastering the skate board and is going to be baptized in just 2 months. that is just craziness to me! i had a small freak out about his (and my own) spiritual preparedness for the big day so we have been pushing the scripture reading and discussions. He has his brand new Quad scripture set with his name and we are now reading just one on one each night. He can mark whatever his heart desires and hopefully something gospel related will start to sink in because in all honesty, most days his apathy and lack of understanding panics me. and, by the way, how do you even plan a baptism? Patrick looked at me the other day and said, "you know, WE have to plan it, right? He is OUR kid. No one else will step up to make it happen."  We laughed and then went about our business and have yet to discuss it again. oh, snap! time is-a-tickin'!

cache is finally used to his school, but I think i am going to change him to another school. there is another place around the corner that is smaller and more personal. hopefully it will help him be more social. he is having a hard time connecting with other kids. part of its the culture and part because his school is SO large that he gets lost in the crowd a lot. this new place will hopefully help him get to know fewer kids, but in a more personal way. We also have been having so much fun with the "stealing" thing and the "lying" thing. i guess just regular 5 year old stuff, or maybe its not? i would love any insight on that if you guys have it. Cause we didn't deal with it with Ronin and I am stumped. I mostly try to stay calm and secretly hope he doesn't grow up to be a thieving, conniving lunatic. He is such a cute boy and his brain works like a machine. He loves figuring things out. how things work and go together. He's smarter than the rest of us (besides Patrick) in that category. And he is in love with doing craft projects. That part i guess is from me?  He has a little friend that lives on our floor that loves to do them too. SHE also is in love with cache and he is totally infatuated with her. Its kind of a scary thing because i never thought i would have to deal with a 5 year old in love. Analyn asked him if he had a girlfriend and you should have seen him blush!  he said to me the other day "Mom, my brain is having a hard time because it wants Emmy to be my best friend and not you."   aaaaahhhh!!  he continues to ask about her every day. he sees her a lot around the complex and keeps his eyes out for her. He asks what shes wearing and what she is doing on any given day. they are moving next month and im kind of glad for it. is that mean? i am just exhausted by it already and i just can't get behind him growing up about those kinds of things. i want a few more years of innocence and less headache for me. cause i know its coming with him regardless. so taking it a bit slower would be nice.

kai is totally delightful. he has restored my faith in the joys of being a mother. the first two boys have been trying my patience and Kai is just sweet and helpful and kind. For the most part of course since he is two. But he is not like the regular toddler set. He can be persuaded out of most mischief and he is quick to say sorry and to help you out. it is SO refreshing. His pasty white skin and red hair continually crack me up. what a sweet blessing he has been. the older boys love him too. infact everyone that meets him, loves him. he shares his toys with strange kids on the playground. ya, I know! I have never seen that happen. he loves being in the middle of the 'boy' activity of the house. He doesn't want to miss out on anything. He loves to drive and park his little cars and he hugs and kisses Levi whenever he gets a chance. Seriously, who is this kid?

Levi is much the same. The only differences I can see as of now are Levi LOVES to laugh and Kai love to MAKE him laugh. They are the perfect pair. Kai is definitely going to grow up being the middle kid "ham" and Levi is just going to enjoy life (hopefully). Its so nice. Levi definitely has a mind of his own, but after Ronin, i think I can handle it. he is super fat which is something I have never had with a Larsen boy and he is sweaty all. the. time. He never wears clothes so everyone calls him naked baby and he really is so cute naked. He has these dark eyes that look like marbles and honestly, just loves to laugh. Levi is also in love with Analyn. He wants to go to her just as much, if not more than me. Some days its hurts my feelings a little bit. Probably because he is so delightful and he is the baby , but I try to remind myself that he is mine forever and I wont have Analyn here forever to help me out. And i do want him to be comfortable with her so I try not to let my feelings get in the way of a happy home. He is thriving, to say the least. that kid eats SO much food. What a little piglet.

Analyn is great. Great i tell you! Its definitely odd having a stranger living in your house and there are a lot of differences that we have, but for the most part if I look past them (they are not deal breakers) and take it all with a grain of salt we get along just fine. And it is such a help. Mostly she cleans, cooks and does the laundry. that is just plain heaven! My house is always clean and tidy. Its astonishing! but she also ends up with the babies a lot so i can go out with the older ones or pick people up and shuttle them from home/school/ and back again. both she and levi spend most of their time at home together. There are days when im running around and think, "what am I doing? I should be at home with the baby and make her run around". but the older kids need me, probably more than the babies so I try to keep on moving ahead and do the best i can. There are days when I want to throw in the towel and just be done with the whole domestic helper thing. but then i remember the time before she came and I definitely don't want to go back to that, so I just try to manage through the parts I don't like about the situation. Patrick and I go out once a week and I have more one on one time with each child, which I am grateful for. Plus I don't have to do my menu planning alone! I have definitely had to face the mommy guilt that has morphed into something more complex than I though possible and I have questioned my identity, my womanhood, and my strengths. So its challenging but still worth it. Because honestly I can't imagine how I would have done 4 kids alone in NY. I don't think I am actually capable of doing it. so the Lord saw a need and moved me someplace where I could get help. I try to remember that on the hard days.

Patrick is struggling as well. We both miss NY so much. But also the house and our car (*sniff sniff*) and the general ease and comfort we had before we left. And did I mention fall and spring?I never thought it possible, but I do miss the weather. i ache to feel a nice crisp breeze whip across my face or to wear a jacket! To feel the crunch of leaves or watch the crocuses peek up through the grass. What a beautiful thing to see the seasons change. (ok, i got sidetracked...)

Patrick is also desperately missing working for a company that had their act pulled together. There are so many days he comes home lamenting what he left behind and for what? WHAT?!?! we ask...  There is a lot of cultural barriers to get past. It would be one thing if he was in a numbers job where the cultural things you had to get past were language and living differences. thats enough by itself. but in his job he quickly understood that this country can not think outside the box. It is just not done! their creative process is practically nonexistent and he is having a hard time getting anything good out of them. He is tired of pounding his head against the wall and being buried under mounds of work. But the up side is he is learning a lot of new things and will be that much more employable and well rounded when we do leave here. So that is a bonus. And really, we didn't move here just for the job, so its ok.

I have been surprised by how much our lives are defined by our little routines and how you really rely on these routines to feel normal and connected. Its been 6 months and I am finally feeling like my real self and real family is starting to surface. Piece by piece we are finding ourselves again. I realized it this week when it dawned on me that we hadn't been doing our family movie nights. In westchester we did it every week. it was a special time for us to be together and fun for everyone and I had completely forgotten we even did it! We decided to resurrect it this last weekend and while we were sitting there in the dark with our blankets (uh, sweating!) it was like coming home. Like finally feeling one piece of a puzzle fit in and you kind of sigh because it feels comfortable and right. And you know you have recovered another part of you that was missing even when you didn't know it was gone. Thats what I have missed the most I think. Feeling completely comfortable. And comfort comes in so many forms. but its feeling comfortable in your own home and experiences that breathes purpose into your life. You add that to church life and everyday things like buying groceries, going to the park and you suddenly have your life back again! it just takes a lot longer to find it. Or at least it did for me this time around. Ive never experienced it before and feel even more adamant about the importance of family time and traditions. I see why people who immigrate to a new country find the pocket of people that are the same as them and they settle in. It makes us who we are and you don't realize it until you are standing in the middle of an asian supermarket wondering what the HELL you used to eat because you have no idea what you are looking at and you are stumped as to what you should put into your cart. I thought I would always have a clear definition of myself until I landed here and every aspect of my life changed. I guess its a good example of how we can change if we want to, but also that we are made up of so many things that we can't rely on that definition and maybe its good to challenge that definition once in a while. although, let me tell you, it is painful. very very painful.