Family Photo Shoot and Life Reflection

We have had a crazy 5 months. It all started by being expelled from our home by our landlord who didn't want to fix any of the thousands of problems it had. In two weeks we decided that maybe the landlord kicking us out would be a good thing, and a catalyst for us as we have been itching this past year for a change. Within these same two weeks Patrick made a huge business partner shift and was traveling to sort out all the changes. These two weeks will forever be planted in my mind as one where we were both mentally and physically at our limit, and yet we still got up every day (in separate locations) with aching bodies and minds, determined to do our part to shift our family from Singapore to Bali. I packed things, sold thing, gave away things, planned things, got kids to and from school (and finally out of school!) all day every day for those same two weeks. And Patrick had meetings, projects, flights and more meetings and projects and flights, and somehow we managed to pack up our lives and move out of Singapore by the end of it. We tucked away the things we decided to keep in a storage container and left for the states for a three week (for Patrick) and three month (for me and the kids) vacation. Whew- We had earned it!

After all of this died down is when the reflection hit. Singapore has been our home for the past 6.5 years. It has been a growing chapter for every one of us. Our kids were so young when we moved here all those years ago. Our big boys have had their childhoods there. Something I still have to come to terms with.  The little boys learned to walk and talk and play. They all learned to make friends and start schools and all that comes with changing from babies to kids. We changed jobs more then a few times and best of all, we added to our family while we were there.

We learned to drive on the opposite side of the road, we learned to take busses to and from basically everywhere, although in the end we mostly preferred cars. We learned some Mandarin, some Malay and best of all some useful Singlish. We learned how to save a table at the hawker center, how to order chicken rice, chicken wings and chicken satay. We fell in love with rice and noodles and dumplings and steamed buns. We found a love for skate parks, beaches, swimming pools and freezing cold movie theatres.

We have all grown and changed but some how also found out who we really have been all along. I can't stay it was always an easy or even a fun journey. Every year was an evaluation. We missed the USA a lot, and yet could never quite figure out why. Was it the food, the shopping the family and friends? or was it just "one of those things" because it was where you were from? (Jury is still out on that one.)
Sometimes I would cry. Sometimes, a lot of times, I would scream and I have been known to drop a swear word or two when I'm frustrated (ok, ok this became so frequent, the kids have said there is something wrong with me. And I would always blame Singapore, but I secretly know its just me).

We have made friends and watched those friends move so many times over the years that our hearts have been sent as broken fragments all over the globe.

The big boys were only 7 and 4 when we first moved. I remember Cache crying every day when he got to school. Many a tantrum in the morning (for years!) as he grew up and went to local primary school. I kept wondering if we were damaging him and what we could possibly do to help since moving away or enrolling in an international school were not options. I remember little Ronin taking the public bus to and from school when he was only in 2nd grade. Knowing full well if we lived in the states he wouldn't have to face this big challenges at such a young age. I have lost so many hours of sleep sick about what my kids might be facing, that we their parents had inflicted upon them by getting a harebrained idea to move over-seas. All the while requiring them to to face it all with a "let's wait it out and see what happens" kind of attitude. That's hard to swallow when you have to face something you don't like.

I remember once crying in the principal's office as I tried to explain my way through my worries and concerns for a child who was struggling and having her not only accept me but comfort me and promise me the school would do all they could to help. And their efforts absolutely paid back in spades. They were a special place and I do firmly believe they were exactly what that child needed at the time. I am so glad he was there and not somewhere else. I also saw another child who was pushed to excel as the school required a lot of all of its students and he was no exception. He developed many good habits being in that environment. But we also saw that time and people do change and we in turn have wanted something different; a bit more of this and a bit less of that and in order to make it happen, it required serious change. 

We have taken this leap of faith, fully believing that this is the only life we get. That if we want it to be something, we have to stop waiting for it to be handed to us, and we need to make it what we want. (Many spiteful thanks to our grumpy landlord for making it finally happen. We probably wouldn't have done it withoutcha!) 

We feel grateful we are in a place both financially and with Patrick's career that makes this kind of a change possible. We are in no way under the illusion that this is normal or available to many other families or that it would be available to us had we not taken that painful leap of faith 6 1/2 years ago to move to Singapore. Oh, how many times did I think we had made a big mistake! Sometimes sacrifice does come out pretty great in the end.

So during our extended summer vacation in the states, Patrick was getting things moving in his new business partnership and has an apartment in Singapore that he can be in when he is there for work (every other week or so). We also have a place now in Bali where the family will live full time (except when jumping to Singapore for visa renewals). We are homeschooling the boys, hoping we can breathe a bit more life into their learning and try to experience the world outside of just textbooks and classrooms. We hope to see more of each other and solidify the relationships we have been blessed with.

So far, its only been a few weeks and there are days where we wonder what the heck we were thinking. Those moments in the grocery store when you have NO idea what to make for dinner and you wonder if your kids will wither away because you may never cook again. And then you see the bill and wonder what the hell you just bought, that you can't even make dinner with!? Those moments when kids are supposed to be doing class work but they can't do it on their own and everyone is saying "Mom, Mom, Mom!" at the same time and then the baby climbs onto the table to join the chorus and you think your head might explode if you spend one more minute with 5 little humans. 

Those are the special moments when I pine for the ease and convenience of the states. Living in a little neighbourhood where kids play together outside and go to the neighbourhood school and the neighbourhood church and everyone just goes along with life and they all know what to make for dinner because they have the grocery store socked and the menus memorised! None of these children will be withering away on their watch!!

Well anyway.... that is my current fantasy during these moments of panic.  But all will be better later when I sit on the veranda and watch the Bali sun set while the birds chirp and the frogs ribbit. So maybe, I'll just hold onto that freak-out until then, and see what happens.

I do truly want to love these kids well, while I have them with me. It has always been a challenge for me as a mother. What many would call patient nurturing, only comes out with intense concentration. But I want to yell less and hug more. This move is probably more about us as parents then it is about them as blossoming homeschooled students. I want to take the time to see the sun set. I want to feel the ebb and flow of a day with kids trying new things and being together and not in the silence of the rooms because they are all somewhere else. And this requires me to be in control less and more willing to be the teacher and the mentor and the mother. I have always wanted it to come more naturally to me, but I know myself more now and I know what I'm working with. And while this is my greatest challenge and work, I am at least aware that it is also life greatest joy and gift.

Here in Bali there are a lot of expats. Most of them are here on vacation. I remember when I too came here on vacation. It was a magical, mystical, beautiful place. I can see it differently now with eyes that live here. I see how many things I will need to get used to, but also all the little quirky things I will end up loving. I see the vacationers and see them as people who get to come and taste for while. I see the expats who live here and love it so much they have never left. I know that I will fit somewhere in-between. But I look forward to exploring it all with these little people of mine who won't be little for much longer. And as I watch these 20-somethings on the beach flitting and flirting and figuring themselves out, for just a moment I am grateful for who I am and how I got to be who and where I am.

And it can all be attributed to this family of mine who is helping me along on my journey. They each have a unique spirit; a glow that makes them a light in our family. They each have a place and that place will never be filled by anyone but them.

So many times a week I hear someone exclaim "Oh! 5 boys!" And its either in shock at the quantity or pity because of the gender. Both reactions make me so sad. These boys know how to love each other well. They of course fight too. Sometimes so intensely that it's alarming. But when they take care of each other, it is as close to heaven as I think we can get while on this earth.

To see a boy, young man or even adult man care for and shelter someone younger then him is the power of the divine. And I get to see it in these kids every. single. day. And that is why when people express shock for the amount of boys we have, I can smile and say, I love having boys! I am so grateful I get to be their mom and watch them grow. No matter where they go or who they become, they will make their part of the world a lovely place to be.

I wish I could promise to be the best, most perfect mom in the world for them. Even in the saying of it makes my heart breaks a little, because I know it will never be. But I will try. Every day I am given, I will try to be what they need me to be. But also in this magical place, I am hoping to be more of who I really am, which I think in turn will help me accomplish part of my hearts wish.

Hopefully together we can all grow into our potential just a little bit more during our time here. Because that's all I really want for them as a parent. I want to be given the time and grace to watch them become who they are meant to be, while using all of their gifts and pushing through all that might hold them back.

So here is to the next year of change; another blessed year of finding more of ourselves.  Here is to Adventure, Experience, Growth! Cheers to our Larsen Family; what a lovely group we make!

photo cred: friend and photographer extraordinaire, Leah Aldous www.januaryandmay.com